My struggle

                I am very thankful that God has brought me to Chuuk to be an SM. I love so many things about where I am and the people I am working with. There is one thing, however, that I really struggle with. it isn't being away from home, missing my boyfriend, dealing with frustrating culture differences, or the confinement that this island has. Although these things are sometimes hard what I really struggle with is the mission itself.

                I have been here for almost 6 months now and have fallen in love with the students I work with. Of course, there are days where they drive me crazy and I want nothing to do with them but these days are becoming fewer. My struggle is trying to make Jesus real to them. They seem to have heard it all before but neither do they believe it nor care. Sometimes I think about heaven and what a terrible feeling it would be to get there and find none of my students.

                I do my job each week, teaching them academics, praying before each class, trying to draw spiritual applications from what I teach,  but it doesn't seem to be enough. They are use to praying before classes and sometimes they will even pray  when asked. A lot of times, however, they will just stare at me as I pray or continue what they are doing while I pray (it has become just another thing we have to do each day).

                I do, however, know that they have noticed that I live differently than them. They often ask why I don't do drugs, have sex, watch certain movies, swear, etc.. I love when students ask me questions like this. Not only does it open a door for me to talk about Jesus but it has also helped me realize that everything I do in my life I do because of my relationship with Christ. So I explain to them why I live certain ways. But even then they stare at me and tell me that that doesn't make sense and I should just try it, YOLO. So I explain again and I try to counter their reasoning, but reasoning with what I believe spiritually has no weight to them. They want good reasons that mean something to them, unfortunately God is not one of those things.

                I work at a SDA high school, but only about 4 students are SDA. We have expelled students for drinking on campus, for chewing on campus, and for drug dealing on campus. These kids have grown up fast and probably know things I don't even know. They live on an island where there is nothing to do but sit around, watch TV, play video games, do drugs, have sex, or get in fights. I had a kid who asked me what hobby he should take up because he wants to stop using. We talked about basketball, but fights break out too often, we talked about running, but that's also dangerous, we talked about reading, but there is no library or access to books, he has no internet, access to working on cars, or to a gym, there is nothing to do. So when I tell students they shouldn't do drugs I have nothing to give them to do in replacement.

                 Besides talking about God and showing Him in the way I live, sharing God with them is very difficult. We can't hold meetings after school because most of the students take the bus and around 6pm everyone needs to be in their homes because it is not safe to be outside on the roads. Although we live on an island and everything is close together, the roads are SO BAD that it takes an hour for some of our students to get to school. So holding things on the weekends or after school is very difficult and unsafe. This also makes it hard to get to know the students outside the school setting.

                The students also view our religion as a bunch of rules. They have to wear certain uniforms, no jewelry, the guys can't have beards, they can't color their hair, and they can't bring cell phones or electronics to school. What's worse is that some of these rules are not explained and I personally do not know the reasoning behind them. There is no handbook and often students are suspended or expelled for small things that seem ridiculous. In fact, as a teacher I am scared to send my students to the principal for fear that another one of my students will be expelled. To them our school is made up of a bunch of rules that make no sense.

                Because of these things, my "goals" for ministering have changed greatly. My goal is no longer that they become Adventist, that they follow every single commandment, and keep the Sabbath. My goal is that they would just see their need for Christ. They would see that something is missing in their life and that Christ is the only thing that can fill it. That maybe they will see my life and want what it is I have. I want them to focus on their academics and stay out of drugs, to dream big for the future so that they can get off of this island. I do not want my students to end up like the drunk men I see on the side of the roads throwing rocks at cars and people. I pray that by getting off this island they will see that there are greater opportunities not only career wise but spiritually and that maybe a seed that was planted at this school will eventually lead them to a life that is whole in Christ.

                These goals often seem too high even, but there is a quote that I often have to remind myself of,

                "The challenge to the missionary does not come from the fact that people are difficult to bring to salvation, that backsliders are difficult to reclaim, or that there is a barrier of callous indifference. No, the challenge comes from the perspective of the missionary's own personal relationship with Jesus Christ, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"-Oswald Chambers

                I believe that I serve  powerful God who cares more deeply for my students than I do. Whose heart breaks even more at the thought of them not being in heaven.  I cannot change these students, but I know Christ can.

                So this is my struggle. Living and trying to do everything I can to show these students Christ without seeing any changes. All the while, through faith, believing that Christ is working and will continue to work in their lives even when I can no longer be a part of their lives. Prayers are very appreciated and needed for the students here at our school.